What happens when you truly value honesty?
You’re willing to risk being uncomfortable in search of it.
What happens when you truly value freedom?
You’re willing to walk away from anything that threatens it.
What happens when you truly value connection?
You’re willing to give up anything to have relationships.
On the surface, all these things sound great.
On the surface, some may rejoice in being that person or them. Until you get to that last one, and then you think to yourself, am I really willing to give up anything just to have a relationship?!?
I have a small circle of wonderful women, who are all partnered for the most part or are willing to give up parts of their dreams for a connection. I am.not.like.that. I want it all.
I’m definitely more the first two. But what I’ve come to realize is that connections are important. Connections breathe life. Connections are support.
A friend of mine called me anti-social last night. He said that people only have one shot with me and I’m done. He was saying it and I was believing it as though it were a badge of honour of some sort. The real truth behind that is uncomfortable for me. It finds its roots in fear and a cowardice to contribute my heart to someone outside of me.
They say love takes a risk. A risk to jump into a river of flow when you can’t see the bottom. I need to see the bottom. I need to know the truth and I need my freedom.
A new friend told me that I need to stop reading ahead. She said, it was cheating. I'm beginning to see her point.
I’m beginning to see that my need for those things have trumped my need for connections for far too long. And that I keep reneging every time. I’m playing spades, when hearts lead, and I still have heart.
So what am I afraid of? What makes this dragon of a woman run away?
Conflict. Fear that my thoughts and behaviour won’t be tolerated. A profound need to be felt and heard by the people I love the most and what happens when they don’t or can’t. Fear of rejection of who I am and abandonment for the potential of things I may do. Fear of losing the people I love.
I’ve been heard saying that I prefer the honey moon stage. I seek out partners who are emotionally or physically unavailable so that I can always play in the honey moon stage. I realize I am emotionally and physically unavailable. I want to learn how to be other than that.
I don’t know where to start. But I’m looking and I’m writing and I’m sharing. I’ve got a lot of defenses, walls, piranha filled moats and pet alligators in this castle. No wonder it’s hard for others to find their way in. I physically and emotionally make it hard.
I look out from the tower at lives being enjoyed below and at the core, I want that for myself too. Perhaps, I'm not looking down, actually looking up.
I know the value of my friendship, I know what I bring to the table and I’m loving myself more every day.
I can't help but think and feel though, that now it’s time for me to learn the value of you. Learning to love You more and more each day too.
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